Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
only if we run a train.
done.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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