i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
