Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
