I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
