theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
