she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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