I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
