Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
