he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
