I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
