Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
