so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
