Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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