totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
