Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
