i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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