Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
