she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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