I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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