wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
