He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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