Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
