You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
