CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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