i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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