we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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