I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
