Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
