He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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