Betty ford says i'm here all night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
