I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
