i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
