just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
