I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm just crazy horny about you
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
