You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
