Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
