when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
