dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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