The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
