My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
