If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
