Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
being pregnant is like rehab
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
whose parrot is this?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
