I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
