the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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