Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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