Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
