Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
