Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
