Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
