the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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